10: Suzuki Reno (compact that came out in 05) Why would anyone name a car after the Biggest Little Dump? Joe’s never been to Vegas but when you go to the big swank casinos you always see Lamborghinis, Ferraris, Aston Martins, Bentley’s, and exotics parked out front. The difference between Reno and Vegas is at Reno casinos – you see Suzuki’s parked out front…The Suzuki Reno is designed for the degenerate gambler that once owned an 86 Corvette or 84 Cadillac Deville and lost everything he had at the Nugget so now he drives a RENO!
9: Anything from Dodge/Chrysler 1988-1992; Dynasty, New Yorker, 5th Avenue, Park Avenue, LeBaron, Diplomat…All of these cars got their start from the K car in 1981. All of these cars were supposed to say I’m a tycoon, or oil baron or hip NY mogul. They had wood trim and swirly logos and fake cheap accents that were supposed show people you had paper and you had arrived but they were all some of the most gaudy heaps that ever hit the road. Not one person that had a Dynasty, was on the show Dynasty, or lived on 5th Ave ever owned one. And while we’re at it…
I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed this but it’s the reason why Euro cars rarely use names. They use numbers. They don’t want a label or someone’s perception of a name labeling their car. The Japanese are starting to figure this out but even the Japanese use names like Tercel, Corolla, Sentra, Supra, Maxima – what does that mean? Nothing, and that’s cool because the names are ok and meaningless. And if you pay attention to names you’ll see how they go in step with our outlook and optimism. You used to have stuff named Cheyenne, Bronco, Rambler, Apache, Prospector, Mustang, El Dorado, Maverick, Ranchero, Nomad; names that celebrated our free roaming cowboy ways. Names that made us feel like explorers and travelers on the open range. We went through a race and track car era; with Demons and Dusters and Trans Am’s and Le Mans, Super Bee, Formula, The Judge, Cyclone… Animal names were always cool with Ford: Pinto, Bobcat, Cougar, Taurus… Then we went through a luxury craze. the 80’s cheesy phase; Lazer, Tempo, Horizon, Sunfire… Now we need cars with names like: the Ford Frugal, the Chevy Miser, the Dodge Unemployment, Buick Scandal, the Chrysler Corrupt, and Lincoln Liar… That’s how I want you to think about these names, more ironic and dumb than about the just how crappy the cars are/were. But without fail; the crappier the car – the better/worse the name.
8: Buick Rendezvous: Really, you own one of these and you’re going to prearrange a meeting at a secret location with people you are hiding or want unknown, you live with mystery or cheat on your wife?
7: The Suzuki Samurai: Horribly built fake jeeps that could barely hold four fat frat girls, let alone one large Asian – sword weilding warrior.
6: Isuzu Amigo: Same thing, the Japanese really had a hard time marketing these compact- junk jeep-like micro suv’s. They thought people that entered our country illegally would gain clout by us – knowing they endured the grueling Mexican desert and its terrain by driving an Isuzu to the border, where they then got out and climbed a fence or tunneled their way in to America illegally. Nothing says Baja Racer and freedom like feeding an Amigo’s 8 kids that were born here, while he works undocumented while sending U.S. currency back to his mom in Mexico.
5: Keeping the Theme Alive; Ford Fiesta/Festiva. How can you have a Fiesta in a car that couldn’t hold two pinatas? And unless your name is Jeff Spicoli, how many times in your life have you used the word Fiesta? Here in America we party, have keggers, rage, shin dig, get together, and bbq. And I don’t know about you or the girls you Fiesta’d with, but after a Rager, we needed a back seat. A back seat of a Galaxy, Grand Prix, Monte Carlo, Cutlass, Cordoba: All names that would seduce any sober woman… The Fiesta was built for the empty nester woman who never got invited to a Kegger and hoped by driving it she could save enough money to some day go south and get invited to a real Fiesta. My buddy owned a Fiesta, first car I ever drove – it was no party!
4: I’m a Ford guy but what is up with the name(s) Focus or Aspire? I like the frugal simplicity of the names, everyone has dreams, hopes, and aspirations… But if you stay focussed will you hit your aspirations? Not always! The names are very motivational but if you aspire to be a cattle rancher you may want a King Ranch or Lariat. If you aspire to be a roadie you may need an Econoline van. If you aspire to be a park ranger you might want an Expedition, see my point? Driving a crappy doesn’t help you achieve who you want to be – it reminds you of who you ARE! But don’t let that let you lose your FOCUS! Maybe someday you’ll get your shit “together” and be able to step up to a Fusion.
3: This is a two-way tie between a Plymouth Breeze and Dodge Neon. Same car, different gay names. Nothing says buy a car for your 16 year old daughter quite like a Breeze (better name for a female applicator) or Neon. Yeah, because if you drive this car someday your name will be in Neon – on the marquee of a strip club. Both of these horribly built cars had names far more suitable for chewing gum or mascara.
2: Chevy Citation. The only way you could get a Citation driving this car is if you’re driving it the way Chevy intended, loaded with kiddie porn and CRANK! What it won’t start – is that how you get a CITATION!? You sure as hell aint getting a Citation for speeding, it can’t speed, and those are called speeding TICKETS! I know the #1 car is the same car but the name is different, and even worse than a CITATION!
1: The worst car name in the history of car names has to be the Chevy Celebrity. Really, you’re a fucking celebrity? From which era, network, or country? Any celebrity driving a Celebrity hasn’t been asked for an autograph since the day they left the set of Renegade! (decent car name – horrible tv show). Remember that show? Could you imagine Paris, Kim K, Rhianna, or even Eric Estrada driving that car? They show up to walk the red carpet and the only reason it’s red is because the master cylinder and tranny are leaking.